Communication

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a process of communication developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Rosenberg believes our true nature is to be compassionate. He believes communication through language and words impacts our ability to stay compassionate. NVC is a way of communication that allows our compassion to flourish bringing us in a state of compassion.

The NVC model has four components:

1. Observation: observe what others are saying (or doing) without judging (whether you like it or not) or evaluating
2. Feelings: recognize your feelings during that observation; How do I feel? Do I feel hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, angry?
3. Needs: identify the needs that create your feelings
4. Requests: express what you want that will enrich your life

The four components should be expressed really clearly with honesty.

When somebody is communicating with us, you have to sense what he observes, feels and needs, and understand the request that will enrich his life. When the NVC goes both ways, it will establish a flow of communication where compassion will arise. The four components should be received with respect and empathy.

Although NVC can be experienced without saying a single word. This is not about language and words but about the consciousness of the four components.

Life-alienating communication are forms of communication that block compassion.

• Moralistic judgment points wrongness out from people that don't have our values. This includes blame, insults, put-downs, labels, comparisons, etc. This traps us in the world of judgment: we judge others and preoccupy ourselves with what are good and bad, normal or abnormal, etc. In that mode, we communicate with what is wrong with others or ourselves instead of what are their or our needs. This increases defensiveness and resistance among those who, we think, are wrong. And some people who act in harmony with our values out of fear, guilt or shame, may comply with our judgment because they agree with our judgment on their wrongness.
• Making comparisons
• Denial of responsibility obscures our awareness that we are responsible for our feelings, thoughts and actions.
• Communicating our desires in the form of demands (instead of requests)

Life-alienating communication are alienated expressions of our needs and values.

Expressing Feelings

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflict. Feelings are often confused with thoughts. For instance, when we say "I feel I did not get a good deal", feel can be replaced with think. When feel is followed by words like that, like, as, pronouns like I, it, you, she, they, or names, it generally expresses a thought. Also, a distinction should be made between what we feel and what we think we are.

Example of feeling: "I am sad that you are leaving", "I feel scared when you say that".

Example of thoughts that are confused with feelings: "I feel you don't love me", "I'm worthless".

What others say may be the stimulus never the cause of the feelings. Feelings depends on how we choose to receive what others say and do. We are responsible for our own feelings.

When we receive a negative message, there are four options:

• accept other person judgment and blame ourselves, it costs to our self-esteem, can lead to make us feel: guilt, shame, or depression

• blame others: this can lead to make us feel anger
• sense our own feelings and needs
• sense others' feelings and needs

Taking full responsibility for our own Feelings

Feeling comes from a fulfilled or unfulfilled need, expectation, or desire. It never comes from another person's action.

Patterns that mask accountability:

• use of impersonal pronouns: it or that
• "I feel something because someone did something."
• statements that only refer to actions of others

To connect feelings with our needs, use the following pattern: "I feel <feeling> because I need <need>".

Give from the heart, do not give being motivated by guilt

Taking responsibility for someone else feeling is not giving from the heart. This can be seen as positive caring but it is not, it is being motivated by guilt. For instance, when we do something in order to make someone else feels happy. We are not acting from the heart but are acting to avoid guilt. Giving something to avoid guilt is not giving from the heart. This is emotional slavery.

Value your needs by expressing them clearly. If you don't, other my not value them or even recognized them. We should not deny our own needs in order to please others.

When we realize that we were in emotional slavery, we try to be free from it. This is the obnoxious stage where we may feel angry because we no longer want to be responsible for others feelings. Still, we can be responsible for others without being emotionally enslaved.We can empathize with them when they are upset because they are not being taken care of.

The last stage is emotional liberation when we respond to others b needs out of compassion, not out of fear, guilt or shame. This means what we are doing is fulfilling to us and to others. We accept full responsibility for our feelings, intentions, and actions but not for the feelings of others. We can never meet our needs at the expense of others. We have to state clearly our needs while still being concerned by the needs of others being fulfilled.

Requests

How to request actions that will fulfill our needs? How to express requests in a manner that will give a more compassionate response?

Making request with positive, clear, and concrete actions reveals what we really want. The clearer the request it, the more likely we will get it. For instance, instead of saying "Feel free to express yourself", say "Tell me what I can do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourself".

We are getting depressed because we are not getting what we want, because we don't know how to identify clearly what we want/request.

Requests should be accompanied with the feelings and needs behind it. Otherwise, it is a demand.

Ask for a reflection to make sure the request is correctly understood. When asking for the listener to reflect back what he understood, express appreciation to him.

After making the request:

1. Ask the listener what he is feeling: "I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and you reasons for feeling as you do."
2. Ask the listener what he is thinking
3. Ask the listener if he is willing to take actions

When we make a request to a group, we have to make sure everybody in the group understands what we expect from them. Otherwise, it would lead to endless conversations.

It is a demand rather than a request if:

• the listener thinks he will be punished if he does not comply
  • In this case, he has two options: to submit or to rebel. In both cases, his capacity to respond with compassion diminishes. The speaker needs to indicate to the listener that we want him to comply to the request only if they want to do it willingly.
• when the listener does not comply:
  • the speaker blames or judges instead of empathizing with him
  • the speakers lays a guilt trip

It is a request if the speaker shows empathy toward the other person's needs when he does not comply. This does not mean we give up when the listener says no. This means we empathize with what's preventing the other person from saying yes, they we persuade him.

Receiving Empathically

Receiving empathically refers to the four component of NVC applied when we listen to others.

Empathy is emptying our mind and listening to others with full attention and with our whole being. Empathy requires presence. True empathy gives enough time for the sufferer to fully express himself. True empathy does mean fixing the problem presented by the sufferer but offering true presence to him. Giving advice to fix the problem, one-upping, educating, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, correction, and intellectual understanding, all these things we may think doing with someone sharing is pain, are not being empathic. You may ask before providing them a solution.

After listening to their observations, feelings, needs, and requests, we need to ensure that we understand them by reflecting back by paraphrasing in forms of questions. Those questions should contain what we sense of feelings and unmet needs. Criticisms, attacks, or insults are unmet needs that gives you opportunity to help someone in pain. We need to stay in empathy with others until they fully express their feelings and needs before looking for a request.

When the listener has receive the adequate amount of empathy, he will feel relieved and the flow of words will stop.

To give empathy, we need empathy. When we are in pain, it can impair our ability to give empathy. In that case, we can spend some moment with ourselves to recharge our empathy level, we can scream non-violently or just remove ourself from the situation to give ourselves time to get back empathy.

Connecting to ourselves

The NVC with ourselves prevents self-hate, and promotes growth. Do not say "I should ..." or "I have to...". As we do not judge by saying someone did something bad or wrong, but we rather say that what he did is in not in harmony with our needs. The same mechanism apply to ourself, we we think we did something "bad", it is actually something that is not in harmony with our own needs. We should not try to "fix" the "wrong" "behavior" we had out of negative energies like feeling of shame or guilt but only out of compassion for ourselves because otherwise, our learning and growing will be guided by self-hatred.

When we connect to our needs more deeply when our behavior has not been aligned with our needs, we will feel other feelings than shame, guilt or self-hate, that disconnect with ourselves. We may feel sadness, disappointment during what we call the NVC mourning. These feelings help us connect with our unmet needs that has been stimulated by the action we now regret. After mourning, we follow up with self-forgiveness. Understanding what needs we were trying to meet when we did the action we now regret allows to connect empathically with that part of ourselves. This connection allows self-forgiveness. Being able to connect empathically with both selves, the self that did the action we now regret because he was trying to meet unsuccessfully a specific need and the self that feels the underlying needs below the need that we did try to meet, is the path to grow.

Cultivate self-compassion by never taking action or making a choice out of guilt, shame, fear, obligation duty should be taken out of the desire to enrich life. Be conscious for each action or choice you make, which needs does it serve.

Replace "I had to" by "I choose to ... because ...".

If you make a choice for the following reasons, be conscious the price you pay for it: For money, For approval, To escape punishment, To avoid shame, To avoid guilt.

Anger

Hurting someone when angry is a way too superficial mean of expression for anger. How to fully express ourselves when angry?

References

Nonviolent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg